Layton Factoids

As the footer at the bottom of the sheets used at the Barley Mow Monday game, we used to do "Did You Know" factoids, all about Jack Layton, the leader of Canada's left-wing New Democratic Party, most of which we openly stole from web lists of "facts" about Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris or Mr T, typically edited somewhat to make them funnier, although a number of them are my own creations. We also cribbed a lot of Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts and some of Stephen Wright's gags.

The full archive is below. We also included all the Layton factoids that were in the queue when we discontinued the factoids after expanding to the other locations. We did this because some of these factoids are VERY OFFENSIVE.

• Jack Layton played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

• When Jack Layton does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

• The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Jack Layton punched himself in the face.

• Jack Layton invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

• Achilles' other weakness was Jack Layton.

• Jack Layton's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

• Objects in Chuck Norris' rear view mirror are closer than they should be. They are making a grave mistake.

• Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the shark or even the elephant. It's Jack Layton, riding a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

• Olive Chow got offended that Jack Layton used the word "puke." But ... hey ... that's what her dinner tasted like.

• Jack Layton believes in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because Jack don't think children should be having sex.

• It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as Jack Layton's meat cleaver.

• Jack Layton prays for a world without war, a world without hate. Because that world would be powerless before his mighty kung fu.

• Jack Layton hopes that, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

• Jack Layton once worked as a circus clown. When all the children laughed at him, he vowed, then and there, that someday he would get his revenge

• Instead of taking his kids to Disneyland, Jack Layton takes them to an old burned-out warehouse and says, "Oh, no ... Disneyland burned down."

• Jack Layton has a Kryptonite crucifix, just in case Superman and Dracula ever join forces against him.

• Sure, Jack Layton killed Stevie. But you all skinned him, and he gave you all complimentary bumper stickers that said, "I helped skin Stevie."

• If Jack Layton’s name were Phil, people would say, “There goes Phil McCurdy,” but only if Jack’s last name were McCurdy.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes Jack Layton to laugh at that man.

• Jesus rides beside Jack Layton. But He never pays for gas.

• Higher beings from outer space didn’t want to tell Jack Layton the secrets of life, because he wasn’t not ready. But they changed their tune after the hot lead enema.

• The worst thing about having Jack Layton walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

• When it rains, Jack Layton tells his kids that God is crying. Because of something they did.

• When God drops acid, he sees Jack Layton.

• Jack Layton once forced a humidifier and a de-humidifier into a winner-take-all deathmatch.

• When Jack Layton installed a skylight in his apartment, the people who lived above him were furious.

• When Jack Layton worked as a circus clown, he was actually real sad on the inside. Because he had severe diarrhea.

• When Jack Layton put instant coffee in a microwave, he went back in time.

• When Jack Layton puts a human brain in a jar, he adds a slice of lemon. For freshness.

• Jack Layton and the NDP. Fairness. Leadership. Sacrificing blond chicks and kittens to the Dark Shoggoth of Arkham.

• Every time you hear a bell ring, Jack Layton is setting an angel on fire.

• You may not believe in God, but that’s okay: Jack Layton doesn’t believe in you, either.

• When Jack Layton ate Muhammad, he thought the Prophet tasted a bit like pork.

• If Jack Layton were killing Jesus, he'd nail Him to a windmill. That way, Jesus would get dizzy, too.

• Jack Layton wishes a robot were prime minister, because then he could fire assault weapons at him all day and nobody would get arrested.

• Jack Layton’s dog picks up its own poop. Because Jack doesn’t take crap from anyone.

• Jack Layton is the private dick that’s the sex machine to all the chicks.

• Heads, you get Jack Layton. Tails, you get Jack Layton. And an ass whipping.

• To celebrate his birthday, Jack Layton throws one lucky baby into the Sun.

• Jack Layton’s mama so fat, when she diets, she also exercises for at least 30 minutes day.

• Jack Layton put the "laughter" back in "manslaughter."

• If Jack Layton and Stephane Dion fought it out, all life on Earth would end. Except for roaches and telemarketers.

• Jack Layton always has the right of way.

• The Jack Layton Action Figure has pleasured with more women than you have. And more men, too.

• When Jack Layton jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Jack instead.

• When life gives Jack Layton lemons, he uses them to kill panda bears.

• If you lost your virginity, Jack Layton probably has it.

• Jack Layton takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.

• Strippers tip Jack Layton.

• Jack Layton can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

• Jack Layton was never addicted to crack. Crack was addicted to Jack Layton.

• Jack Layton once punched a man in the soul

• Whenever Olivia Chow asks Jack Layton to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

• Jack Layton can slam revolving doors.

• When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Layton for help.

• Jack Layton doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

• Jack Layton never hides. He only seeks. And then he destroys what he seeks. Even if it hides.

• Jack Layton accidentally severed his arm while putting kittens in a wood chipper. It grew back. Because he told it to.

• If Jack Layton & MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack Layton would make a bomb out of MacGyver and got out.

• Ghosts are created because sometimes Jack Layton kills people faster than Death can process them..

• Jack Layton is the reason the Devil went down to Georgia ... Satan knows better than to screw with Toronto–Danforth

• Jack Layton has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.

• When the boogieman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Layton.

• George W Bush would never call Jack Layton “Steve.” He’d call him “Mr Layton” or else he’d get an ass kicking.

• It’s not that Jack Layton is lactose intolerant, it’s just that he thinks lactose should go back where it came from.

• “Simon Says” should be renamed “Jack Layton Says” because if Jack Layton says “do something” ... you had better do it

• Killing Jack Layton just makes him angrier.

• Jack Layton can divide by zero.

• Jack Layton coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse," just before he ate the last unicorn.

• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Layton pops out.

• In an average home there are 1,699 objects Jack Layton could use to kill you, including the house itself.

• Jack Layton doesn’t need a remote. If the TV knows what’s good for it, it will do what it’s told.

• Jack Layton shot Bambi's Mother. But she had it coming. Trust me.

• Jack Layton makes onions cry.

• Jack Layton’s mustache is made of razor wire, kittens’ blood and the souls of every man he ever killed.

• Jack Layton’s calendar has no April 1 ... no one dares make a fool of Jack Layton

• Jack Layton’s tears could cure cancer ... but Jack Layton never cries

• Waldo can’t hide from Jack Layton.

• Jack Layton made Jack Bauer his prison bitch.

• Jack Layton is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• Magnetic compasses are irresistibly drawn to Jack Layton.

• If you don’t know who your father is, it’s probably Jack Layton

• If you can lead a horse to water, Jack Layton can make it drink.

• The only thing stronger than kevlar are vests woven out of Jack Layton's mustache hair.

• You are what you eat. That’s why Jack Layton eats nothing but bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Jack Layton's fist.

• Jack Layton has two speeds: walk and kill.

• One day Jack Layton looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Jack!" He is still there.

• When Jack Layton donates blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

• When Jack Layton drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

• To attain inner peace, Jack Layton eats Buddhists

• Jack Layton doesn't put his tray table up and seat back in the full upright position

• Jack Layton found Nemo

• Jack Layton defeated Bea Arthur in hand to hand combat. Twice.

• Jack Layton will always exist as long as there is hatred in the hearts of men.

• With the rising cost of gasoline, Jack Layton is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

• Jack Layton taught Yoda the ways of the force

• Jack Layton poured liquid nitrogen into raw sewage to create "Jack Layton's Chocolate Ice Cream Extravaganza"

• Jack Layton is what Willis was talking about.

• For breakfast Jack Layton has a bowl of rusty nails, then washes it down with a tall glass of molten lead.

• Jesus Christ and Jack Layton have matching tattoos

• Jack Layton made the Kessel run in 11 parsecs ... so screw you, Han Solo.

• Jack Layton runs with scissors.

• Guns don’t kill people. Jack Layton kills people. Sometimes with guns.

• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Jack Layton smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

• When the fat lady sings, it's not over for Jack Layton.

• Jack Layton once taught a woman to love again by repeatedly punching her in the face.

• In the unlikely event of his death, Jack Layton can perform his own autopsy.

• McGruff might take a bite out of crime, but Jack Layton eats crime whole.